This post is not a review. Rather, it is a report of something that people who use silicon sex toys (smart!) and cover them with condoms (very smart!) should be aware of, and keep an eye out for.

But first, let’s go back to basics!

Why would I use condoms on my silicon sex toys? Because sex toys + condoms are pretty much a match made in heaven! Because condoms make cleaning-up 1000 times easier*! Because if you whack a condom on it that dildo can go way more places before it’s time for a hard-core scrubbing/bleach solution/boiling/however you sterilise your toys! Places such as your bits, then your friend’s bits, then your friends other bits, then somebody’s mouth, or whatever! All good because you swapped condoms in between each insertion! Then you can collapse in happy exhaustion, flinging the condoms in the direction of the waste basket, without having to wake up to deal with a somewhat manky reminder of your night before just waiting for an awkward washing-up moment in the kitchen sink!**

I am a cheapskate. This is undeniably true. The only condoms I’ve deigned to pay for in the past 10 years are special non-latex ones I got cos I wanted to test out some oil-based lube for anal play and it seemed like a good idea (there’s an upcoming post right there…). My condoms come from safe-sex packs, showbags from queer events, leftovers from condom-blitzes at university O-weeks- you know, all those funded condoms that are flung about the world by organisations hoping to help prevent pregnancy and HIV transmission, but also good for keeping my sex toys clean (thanks!).

The problem with the cheapskate approach: You know how many of these single-foil-wrapped condoms mention their contents in any kind of detail? Yeah- NONE. NADA. They say the brand, like “Durex Fetherlite” or “Salama Studs” or “Prudence Plus” or “Unidus Corporation*” (to name the ones currently sitting on my desk), but do they mention little details like whether they are lubricated, and if so, with what?

No. No they do not.

Silicon lubricant = death for silicon sex toys. If this was not the case, silicon lube would be the undisputed king of recommended lubes. I haven’t reviewed any yet (I’ll get there!) but silicon lube beats water-based lube hands down for heaps of things. Except: it’ll eat your silicon sex toys. Which massively limits its viability as a regular lube in the Dyke Sex Arsenal, which contains a LOT of silicon sex toys (reviews to come!).

I have read this silicon lube + silicon sex toys = bad meme plenty of times, but I have also actually WITNESSED it taking place. It is not a myth. It is for real. The lube makes the toys tacky, porous, and gross- nothing you want in or near your favourite body parts. Your sex toys cost too much money to sacrifice to a bad lube decision!

Which brings me to the point: Who the hell knows which condoms have silicon lube in them? Well, according to this amazing lady (whose blog is sadly no longer running but the archives are incredible!) Durex condoms contain silicon lube.

Which means that the approximately 10 000 Durex Fetherlite condoms SWOP gave me the other day when I was looking for free lube are just about useless to me. I have written to Durex to ask for confirmation on this- it’s possible that these condoms are unlubricated, or that Durex have switched to water-based lubes on their condoms since Amanda asked, but I’m playing it safe for now and will donate my stash of Durex condoms to people whose sex is not so much about expensive silicon toys and the preservation of same.

The lesson, people! Pay attention to the condoms you are using on your sex toys. The lesson for me might be to stop being such a cheapskate and actually start paying for them so I know what sorta lube they’re packing. Boo.

*: This claim has not been scientifically proven but I am quite sure it’s true.

**: Although in some sharehouses a dish-rack full of freshly washed dildos is a thing of communal joy, so go ahead and wash it anyway!

***: These condoms are from the Korean Ministry Of Health! I have no idea how I wound up with them! And Salama are from TANZANIA! World travels in condoms! I told you Sex Arsenal blogging is full of fascinating info!

Where I Got It From: The lovely little bag of assorted lube sachets I was gifted this past weekend. Probably it comes originally from an ACON safe-sex pack or some kind of complimentary gift bag at a sex-store event.

What It’s Made Of: Who KNOWS? Not me! The sachet says, somewhat mysteriously, “pleasure enhancing lubricant”, then declines to state the ingredients. The Durex website also declines to state the ingredients. I’m gonna take a wild guess at that it’s probably water-based, and probably made of water & glycerin like 90% of all water-based lubricants, but it could be made of hummingbird tears and nightingale spit, for all I know.

Texture On First Squirt: Pleasing. It’s thicker than I’m used to in a sachet of generic water-based lube, more like a gel** than a liquid. It doesn’t do that sliding-right-off-a-gloved-hand-onto-the-bedsheets thing. It stays where it’s put. This is a fine quality in a lube, I think.

Texture After Some Friction: Sadly nonexistent. This lube vanishes like nothing I’ve ever witnessed. 10 seconds of friction into the fun and you’re like um, what? Was there some lube here, ever? On the upside it doesn’t leave any kind of sticky or gummy residue. On the downside, it’s COMPLETELY GONE.

Taste: Once again, oddly pleasing- this lube tastes like almost nothing, which is (in this reviewer’s humble opinion) the best possible thing for a lube to taste like.

One-Handed Useability: In the format of the sachet, no WAY! You need two dry, clean hands and at least 5 seconds of focused attention to get these little foil packets open.

Portability: High scoring on that. The sachet is sturdy & sound, and doesn’t look like it’s going to pop open by accident ever. This is definitely pocket, handbag and/or luggage compatible.

Overall Fuckability: Well, look, this is perfectly nice lube in every way, it just doesn’t actually lubricate particularly well. It is unobtrusive of flavour, pleasant in texture, convenient of packaging, relatively cheap, and absolutely ineffectual at lubricating.

Rating: 4/10. Sorry, Durex, I really want to like this lube, it scores high in the essential categories, but as a lubricant it just fails.

*: I am projecting. Probably their sex lives are awesome, who am I to judge? Actually they are models and probably don’t have a sex life with each other. WHATEVER. The whole website design is just really Sex For Straight-People, Spicy But Not Too Threatening Tee-Hee Oh Durex Has Brought Us Closer Together! Please see for yourselves.

**: Which reminds me: HOT TIP! When I was but a babyqueer, in the days when having very excellently spiked hair was a high priority in my life, there would come a moment in many nights out where extra-spikeage was needed! But oh no we were in a nightclub without our expensive tubs of hair wax, what to do? Lo and behold, water-based lube makes EXCELLENT HAIR GEL in a pinch.

Hooray!

In this little parcel we have Durex Play, Gun Oil, Wet Stuff (already reviewed), Ansell LifeStyles & Original Churn-Style Boy Butter. I think it’s a battle between the smoky charcoal colours of the Gun Oil sachet & the BEYOND ADORABLE single-serve lip-balm style tub of the Boy Butter for winner of Best Looking Single-Serve Lube Option.

Gun Oil (“Silicone Lubricant For Men”) & Boy Butter are both marketed directly and exclusively to gay men, although they are useful to anyone with an arsehole & an interest in stimulating it. I leave it to the reader to tease out the connection between that fact and the undeniable stylishness of their packaging compared to the utilitarian packaging of the Durex Play, Ansell LifeStyles, and most especially the Wet Stuff.

How do I love gloves? Let me count the ways:

• I love the snap of latex
• I love the look of a hand prepared for a good long hard bout of something filthy
• I love being able to yank a glove off after a long hard bout of something filthy with my hands beneath pristine and ready for- whatever
• I love that they mean lube lasts longer, cos there’s less skin surface for the water content to vanish into
• I love that they make fucking slipperier with less friction, which often means you can go for longer.
• I love that they are such a perfect accompaniment to fisting. Which I love.
• I love that they come in a few different colours. I am femme. SEE ME ACCESSORISE.

I also love that they make hard fucking much less prone to fingernail-related disaster. I don’t have long fingernails (I’m not that kinda femme, although all respect to that kinda femme!). I keep mine short & pretty well looked after. But it doesn’t take much length, or much of a moment of getting carried away in the action, to make a slip that could leave an un-fun kind of mark on the inside. Ever had a shag interrupted by a non-menstrual gush of blood? NO FUN FOR ANYONE. Also: Totally Not Safe Sex!

So now that we know why gloves are such an awesome part of the dyke sex arsenal: which gloves?

Well, I love the Black Dragon Latex Gloves (size small- I am sadly under-endowed).

Where I Get Them From: Blowfish, a San Franciscan sex supply company. I’d love to buy them in Australia but haven’t found a supplier here. Although, last time I bought a box was a while ago, maybe there is a local stockist now (feel free to enlighten me in the comments!).

How Much They Cost: US$15.95 for a box of 100, plus postage which is not cheap (although Blowfish sell heaps of good stuff- including last I checked some great queer porn- so maybe you could spread the cost a little by stocking up on a bunch of things at once).

Packaging: Last time I bought a box they came in a pretty naff tissue-box type thing with a stylised black dragon curled all over soma kinda red background. The box is chunky and is not travel-friendly, but you can always take a few out & store them in a zip-lock bag if you need to take them with you.

Look: Well that’s why I buy them, isn’t it? Black gloves look GREAT (in my opinion. I have heard dissenting opinions on this).

Feel: Sensation is good, they don’t mask the texture and topography of whatever you’re touching with them too much for the wearer, and for the person who is not wearing them, they provide a much lower-friction experience. WIN.

Practical Fuckability: These are UNPOWDERED, which I like because I hate powder on my hands, clothes & bedsheets, but is not so great for getting the damned things ON. Especially if your hands are already slightly wet or sticky from sweat or anything else they’ve been getting into. I have yet to figure out a way to surreptitiously & smoothly slide these gloves on at an opportune moment. They’re more of a “halt play, commercial break” kind of deal, with possibly some undignified and- dare I suggest- unsexy manoeuvres required to get all your fingers in. This could be because I am uncoordinated. YMMV.

Because they are latex they are not suited for use with oil-based lubes such as you’d use for anal play, and people with latex allergies should of course not let them anywhere near their precious parts!

Rating: 8.5/10. I love them, they are by far my favourite gloves (not only for fucking- they’re good for play piercing scenes as well. Also sometimes I use them to dye my hair). But the hassle of getting them on can be a bit of a bummer, so 1.5 points lost.

Where I Got It From: Sex Workers Outreach Project. What? OK, yes, there’s a story there. One day I was out of money & out of lube. I went for a walk to a few bars but couldn’t find any of those handy big bowls of safe-sex packs that I always raid for the lube packets. A friend suggested that SWOP were generous with their lube, so I popped in there and asked, and they gave me giant-sized safe-sex pack that included this tube. Thanks, SWOP, you are awesome! I am not sure if it’s entirely ethical to receive safe sex supplies from a sex worker project for personal rather than professional use, but I remind myself that they get all their stuff from the Aids Council Of New South Wales who happily give away safe sex supplies for personal use. So. Ethical dilemmas aside, I got some lube, and that improved my afternoon no end.

What It’s Made Of: Wet Stuff Lite is a water-based lube, meaning it’s A-OK for use with silicon toys & latex barriers. Like most water-based lubes, it is made mostly of water & glycerin with a few other unpronounceable ingredients.

Texture On First Squirt: Thin & slippery, not very stringy, it doesn’t like to stay in one spot- it spreads fast, dripping down gloved hands & pooling in palms. It acts a lot like a goopier version of water.

Texture After Some Friction: It goes foamy when consistent friction is applied- this is not especially appetising to behold. Once the water starts to disappear it gets sticky. It leaves a noticeable tacky residue once all the slippery is gone, although that washes off easily in water.

Taste: Unpleasant. I can’t stand the flavour of glycerin-based lubes. It’s like licking petroleum jelly.

One-Handed Useability: The flip-top of the tube can definitely be opened one-handed, although manoeuvring the tube to get lube exactly where you want it might be tricky one-handed. Closing it again also takes a little bit of concentration. If you are distracted, and don’t close it properly, and it somehow winds up beneath a knee in the midst of shenanigans, you will for sure have a lake of lube to deal with in the aftermath!

Portability: The seal on the lid doesn’t inspire immense trust. I wouldn’t put this in my luggage unless I triple-bagged it, and even then I’d have doubts. It’s also too big to fit into a pocket, so it’s probably not the best thing to try to carry around for optimistic in-the-moment hook-ups.

Overall Fuckability: Not bad, but not spectacular. A decent basic lube that will for sure mean more fun than going without lube altogether, and probably won’t give you a nasty rash (unless you’re glycerin-sensitive!), but it’s not really the rolls royce of lube experiences. For vaginal penetration it’s decent, although for a marathon session you’ll need to re-apply a few times (this is why one-handed accessibility is important!). I’ve never tried using it for anal sex but I’d guess, given that it’s pretty thin and water-based, that it’d vanish in a hot second leaving you with minimal slipperiness.

Rating: 5/10. This is the lube that is better than not having any lube. That’s about it, really.

I thought: I will be take up your call, fine friend! I will create a lube review site! I will call it Lube Reviews, and it will be awesome!

Then I thought: but if I write about lube, I’m gonna wanna write about other things too. I mean, there’s a lotta stuff in my sex kit, and I’ve got an opinion about all of it.

I don’t want to be exclusive here. I thought about calling this blog “Queer Sex Arsenal”. But I’m pretty specific flavour of queer, actually. I’m a queer dyke, and the way I fuck and the things I use and the things that work are different for me than for multitudes of other queer flavours. Dyke sex is my specialty: which doesn’t so much mean “sex wot dykes have” as it means “a type of sex that is dykey in nature, all queers welcome”.

So we have the Dyke Sex Arsenal, in which I intend to produce reviews of the things in my toybag- the lube, the dildos, the harnesses, the gloves, the condoms, the rope, the smut, and all the other shit I haul around in pursuit of good, dirty, queer dyke sex.

I am Glittertrash, a queer femme dyke who travels a lot & spends way too much of her luggage allowance on her toybag. I have blogged for many years in many places, and I am way more excited than I should be to have an excuse to talk about dyke sex as long & loud as I want.